Wednesday, 11 April 2018

Down But Not Out

Well howdy friends!

It's been such a long time since I've written I'm wondering if I'm even allowed to call myself a Blogger any more!  2018 seems to have launched itself at us relentlessly and is the unwanted gift that keeps on giving 😄  Still, thankfully we have that gift and many are denied it, so we keep on keeping on x

This year has seen a lot of changes for us.  Good & um...... interesting shall we say? 😊

All is good on the health front, for me at least. Gone into this new year with a bang. Even have the iron count of a just-approaching-the-normal-range-for-a-functioning-human-being!  So that in itself is cause for celebration.

Things on the Home Ed front have not been so easy.  Due to time, circumstance, friendship issues and various friends returning to school it has been something of a 'lean' time these past 6 months.  I also stepped down from the groups I was running, which broke my heart a little, but I needed to devote my time & energy closer to home for the moment.  It was the right decision but we miss our groups terribly, especially our little Geography Club.

Meanwhile not much has risen to take it's place.  Several fantastic, amazing Home Edders I know are also suffering a bit with 'Organisation Fatigue' and are a bit 'peopled out' so the number and range of activities available in our area has dropped quite dramatically over the last 6-9 months.

This, and other factors, have led us to make the decision for DD to return to school.  She had always said she wanted to try Secondary but did not want to return to Primary.  However, in the absence of a lot of friends her own age (I know it's not the only important thing, but right now this is what she wants) she has been talking about this more and more this year so we decided to go and look at schools.  My goodness it is hard to find school places around here! There is absolutely no way she could return to our local school, it would not be appropriate at all, so any school we picked meant a drive which is a shame but a necessary evil for the time being.  Perhaps if we move..... but that's a whole other ball game!

So anyway, we found a school we both really, really liked - with a great Art & Sports programme - and they had just one place in her year! So she starts in 2 weeks! 

DS will remain Home Ed.  He has no desire to return to school.  It would not be the right thing for him and the prospect terrifies him still.  But what I do think will be good is having more 1-2-1 time with him, and I'm hopeful I can assist him in joining in a few more activities if it is just the two of us.

Meanwhile my GP has intervened (welcomely!) and said he agrees it is time to pursue more intervention, and more indepth diagnoses for DS.  Like me, he agrees Autism is not the whole story.  He undoubtedly has ADHD, probably elements of Dyspraxia, although it's possible his Hypermobility may actually be EDS and there's probably Dyslexia also in the mix.   Either way, at last some one is listening and ready to march back into the fray with us. 

So, besides this, life is continuing with it's relentless bills, flat tyres, repairs, home improvements, the rat, paperwork, admin, etc etc  I'd love to say we're getting there but it feels largely one step forward, four or five steps back.  Looking through soup or swimming through mud I'd say surmises this year for me so far.

But...... and this is the thing, the But!  But I am still here. I feel tired. I feel overwhelmed.  At times I feel lost & lonely and like all of this is a bit too big for me.  But that's adulting isn't it?  We all of us feel like frauds at times, 5 year olds dressed in our Grown Up clothes 😊

So I am still smiling (just!) and By Golly I will not go quietly into that good night 😃😃😃😃

I was reminded recently that I am not a giver-upper 😊  Like us all, I have had my share of knocks.  A life time of being told I can't.  Ha ha, I am quite a shy sparrow in many ways but I am not one to be told I can't 😊 

When I was a kiddie I was told I couldn't be in the choir because I couldn't sing.  In actual fact, the choir mistress hated my Mum.  A later piano teacher and a number of distinctions in the oral exams showed me I can sing.  I'm nothing special, but I can hold a tune.

Later on I was told I couldn't sing out front in the church choir, because I didn't 'look right'.  I was fat & I wasn't pretty.  The minister's wife told me this. 

So I sang on the stage at Alexandra Palace, to a packed venue.  Shy old me who hates even speaking in public!  Because no I'm not pretty and yes I was very fat but that's sooooooo not the point.  I am also brave.  Especially when it comes to injustice.  I will force myself to do something, if I believe in my heart it is right.

Later on again, I wanted to go back to college to do Beauty Therapy.  I was told no because I didn't look right for it.  I wouldn't get a job at the end of it because no one would want their treatments from someone looking like me apparently.  I signed up anyway, and paid the course fees myself.  They cancelled the course! I kid you not.

Last year I was offered a contract to promote a Make Up brand, personally.  I turned it down because it's not me.  But I was flattered to be asked and it made me smile how things go full circle.

There are many more things I was told I wouldn't or couldn't do.  Without exception I think I have done them all 😊

I'm not quite sure where the fire came from that told me I can.  My Pa perhaps.  I watched the world try and beat that man down, over and over, but he always smiled, he always rose, he always forgave and he always loved. So while there are a lot of opportunities I haven't had, I've had that ❤ 

And he wasn't perfect, by any means.  None of the best people are 😉  He battled his demons & I'm happy to say he won 😊

So what I am reminded of today, and every day, is that I am broken but not beaten.  Down but not out 😉

So keep going my friends.  Though it feels like an uphill battle, you're winning - just keep walking xxx

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