Mummy is scared..

So how's everyone's Christmas preparations coming along?  We're pleasantly ahead of the game this year.  Christmas cards written & posted, including abroad cards & any postable presents to far away relatives (only a couple). 

We put the tree up on 1st December - partly because we just wanted to, but also because we had friends and family coming last weekend for early Christmases so we thought it would be nice to be festive.

Christmas presents virtually all bought and wrapped, ready.  Only one outstanding I think.  And this includes DS's forth coming 9th birthday - eeeeek!  Only one more year after this & both my babies will be in double figures!  Yikes!  Where did that time go?

And it's been a helluva year one way & another.  In many ways I cannot wait to see the back of it. 

And now one final hurdle, before we can wave this year good bye.

Some of you will remember my 'On this day' post earlier this year, when I wrote about some particularly unpleasant emergency surgery I had 14 years ago, on the first anniversary of my Dad's death. It was a horribly difficult time, and I lost a lot, not only that day but in the 18 months or so afterwards that it took for me to make a full physical recovery (the emotional one is always going to be a work in progress I think).

And this year hasn't been the best for me, healthwise.  Now I'm facing surgery again.  On Saturday.  Which would've been my Dad's birthday. And I'm trying to write about it here. In the hopes it will make me feel less anxious, less afraid.  But I'm struggling to be honest, to find the words......

I think I am ready, as ready as I can be.  We are Christmas ready, the chores are all done, cupboards, freezer & bathroom all stocked up. Bag packed. Childcare sorted until Wednesday at least. 

So there's nothing else to say really.  Except that I'm scared......

I originally met with a consultant months ago, who said they wanted to do this surgery.  I said no, no and thrice no!  And then no, followed by a lot more no's.

This was a Friday. 

5am the following Monday I was hospitalized with the pain.  Because God thinks it is funny to give me lessons like this..

So I had a CT scan, bloods, was prepped for theatre, lines put in, nil by mouth (always fun with diabetes....) but tbh I wouldn't have kept anything down anyway. 

And I waited, for about 10 hours with my friend (another friend looking after my kids) and there was no theatre space, so I went home. I was meant to be called back but they lost my notes, so my GP had to re-refer and I had to wait at the bottom again.

Finally saw another consultant, who was lovely. He had the nicest letter from my GP, which was so nice he read it out to me!  Then he talked with me through all my no's.  Offered, promised to do the surgery himself. Offered me a weekend slot.  Arranged for me to be first on the list so no waiting on the day.  I couldn't have asked or hoped for more.

But still I am scared.  And I don't really know what else to say about that except that I am xx