I'm Fine

Sometimes life is hard.  Parenting, adulting, Mum-ing is hard.

It's been a really intense few months for us, lots of changes, some ill health thrown in for good measure.  And I've tried daily to count my blessings, to focus on the positive, to keep my chin up, continue putting one foot in front of the other, smile, support others as best I am able, exercise, eat right, be everything & more to the kids.......

And people ask how I am, how we are, and I say we're fine.  And mostly we are fine.  We really are. But there are times when the I'm fine means so very much more.

This week I have been fine, but also sad, desperate, lonely and tired.  I have felt lost, overwhelmed, burdened and scared. 

This week I have cried, a great many times.  Some of them good tears, cathartic tears, necessary tears.  Tears of release.  Relief.  And sometimes even peaceful tears of acceptance, that I am here, I can do this, I have people who have shown their care and concern for me in a multitude of ways and for every kindness that lifts me I am unutterably grateful. 

I have dark moments, of course, where I wish things were different.  Where I wish that the support had come from those it should have, that I hadn't had to face so much alone.  Times I wish I could say all the things unsaid. 
But I also know that I can and am doing this, and I am proud of me for doing so. 

I also have moments where I just don't know how I am ever going to do everything I have to do.  I look around the house at all the unfinished stuff.  The square of ceiling above the wardrobe that needs painting but I can't reach, whatever is wrong with the plumbing that the pipes scream all day and night and I've tried adjusting the water pressure but I don't know how to fix it.  The garden, my beautiful garden that needs soooo much attention but it is simply not possible to free yourself up for clearing brambles & cutting down a dead almond tree that you are worried will fall on your car, when it is just you and you have two special needs kids to CONSTANTLY supervise.......

And every day, multiple times a day, the house needs cleaning.  After every meal time, and I do mean every meal time, the mess is almost unjustifiable.  Sensory issues means the kids are too heavy, or too light, or assert inappropriate force on everything - and I do mean everything - all the time.   Cups and glasses either slide straight through their hands or they grip so hard they shatter.  They knock in to everything, are fatigued from sitting in a chair and chewing, so the mess of eating is everywhere. literally.  It's relentless, and to be endured a minimum of three times a day.

All the washing - so, very much washing! I have as much washing how as when they were toddlers.  It's the same volume, same issues.  Including wet beds & nose bleeds to clean up after.

And then to address the many broken things - don't even get me started with outside!  Inside alone we have the many holes DS has gauged out of the walls, and patterns he has scraped in to them.  The edges of carpet he pulls up, same with the threads out of soft furnishings, sofa's, cushions.  The milk that is everywhere around the house, always.  The door knob he has removed from his own door, the wallpaper he has peeled off....   Because, you know, compulsive behavior - ALL THE TIME.  

And yes we have sensory toys, we do social stories, we have a climbing wall and weights and lights and everything.  And all these things help, they aid and soothe but they do not stop the onslaught.  Or the heartbreak, knowing it's not his fault but being so frustrated anyway.

Everyone is breaking up for the summer holidays today and talking about their plans. I have no plans. I had planned to go to Spain or Austria this summer.  To have a nice holiday, with a pool, perhaps even relax a bit.

Instead I will be spending the summer wondering how I am going to do this.  Figuring out plans for the longer term.  Trying to magic-ise my daughter's upcoming 10th birthday on a shoestring budget and with markedly less people in our lives that give a hoot.

But I know that despite of all this I am fortunate.  I am blessed.  I have my home, many good friends who have rallied to support us, and a wealth of support from strangers even in the wonderful world of Twitter.  I wouldn't trade or change my kids for anything, even at our lowest ebb.  And I tell them that, frequently, that they know it's ok when they are struggling, we can struggle together and love each other and get through times that are not the easiest, and never be sorry that we are what we are.

So I am ok, I will be ok.   I will crank up the radio, sing & dance as I restore my house once again, do the jobs that need doing, make the pancakes, dry their tears, hold them, reassure them, fix everything.  I am fine. 

It's just sometimes, I'm not, you know?  And that's ok too, right?

xxx